Because to acknowledge Him as Guide means I have to acknowledge that I'm lost. That I need Him. That I don't know the way.
I hate feeling lost. The panic, the inadequacy, and the uncertainty are things I could definitely do without.
But it seems in order to be guided by Him, I need to give up my own ways first. And really, this shouldn't be any kind of new thought. It's all over scripture. I just failed to realize how far-reaching and deeply rooted my own pride is.
"He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble His way" (Psalm 25:9). How can He possibly lead me in His way when I'm still determined to go my own?
I remember telling my class of sixth graders in devotions about this verse, and praying for humility. And then the waves of failure crashed against me and I began moping that life's not fair. I was getting annoyed at God for not answering my prayer requests.
Later that week, we circled back to this passage, and there it was, so obvious: of course if I'm going to pray for humility, God will answer. And it will hurt, because nobody likes having their pride broken. Nobody likes feeling like a failure.
I have this Messiah complex. I always have. In fact, my favorite daydream as a first grader was that I was the playground "watchdog" and that when I was on duty, all the children behaved. Seriously. (I must have been so fun to be around...)
I somehow think I have all the answers. That every student will respond well to me. That I am this amazing, can't-get-any-better kind of educator, that I will "make" a kid's life, that I have the power to change circumstances outside of my control, that I'm some kind of miracle worker.
I so wish. But this is also just a grown-up form of my first grade daydream.
The thing is, by nurturing this Messiah complex (aptly named), I am trying to take the place of Christ. I am forever thinking that it is my duty to draw people closer to Him (which is a very easy lie to believe as a missionary). It is my duty to plant seeds, but I can never cause dead seeds to germinate. It is my duty to water, but I can never cause dry ground to produce a bountiful harvest of healthy fruit.
I keep trying to take the place of Jesus in my students' lives. And when I suddenly discover that I can't, I'm bitter, grumpy, and annoyed at God.
As I was licking the wounds of yet another failure, I decided to hang out in one of the most encouraging passages, 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness..." These words were salve to my wounds. Until I decided to read the context (that I so often ignore). In the early part of chapter 12, Paul is talking about the thorn in his flesh that he has begged God to remove. But God's response is no. Instead, he leaves the thorn in Paul's flesh so that he may learn humility. And so verse 9 actually begins, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." It is through this thorn that Paul discovers true weakness, and learns of God's power that is perfected when paired with our weakness.
God showed me that there are certain circumstances He will not take away from me, because He wants me to rely on Him. To lean into Him. Because let's be honest, if this improved, I would only pat myself on the back and tell my Guide to beat it because I know the way from here.
I am learning that I do not know the way. I cannot go one step without my Guide. He is everything.
And so my prayer becomes "Jesus, be in me all that I can't be."
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