Greener Pastures

We've all heard the saying, "the grass is always greener on the other side." I've experienced it in the very physical sense this summer... I had the incredible blessing to go to Tuscany in Italy. We drove through the winding roads looking across vast plains and vineyards and fields. The way the sun hit the tall grasses was enchanting. Every time we drove somewhere, I just got the urge to jump out of the car and go running down the the hills into the quiet, shady valleys. I wanted to feel the grass, the dirt... to be alone in the big, wide, freeing green.

Finally I had the opportunity. We pulled over on the side of the road because the green was calling to us... I began my excited trek down the hill. But suddenly the grass didn't seem like the beautiful, deep green I had observed from a distance. Suddenly it wasn't so soft and gentle. It was more whip-like as I sauntered past. I kept thinking that if I only went a little farther perhaps it would turn into whispy, gentle blades that would stroke my arms rather than scratch and pull and smack me as I went past. The dirt was a powdery grayish brown... not the rich, dark brown soil I had imagined.

When I was finally in the middle of doing something I've dreamt about doing my whole life, I was suddenly discontent. I wanted to be somewhere else. It didn't seem as enchanting as I had imagined. My feet hurt. My arms were clawed. Bugs zoomed between my eyes, ears, nose, and mouth.

But. The pictures we took tell nothing of all that discomfort. They tell the story of glorious freedom. Open green. An experience that makes your soul swell. 

It's so easy to become discontent with where we are... assuming that there's far better things for us just around the corner... without the obnoxious bugs, the cruel grass, and the parched soil. We dislike where we are, we're jealous of others and what they have.... and overlook that maybe... just maybe... it's not perfect there either.

Looking back at my experience in these green, rolling hills, I am again so filled with that desire to explore. To just roll down those hills, or have a picnic, or just take it all in. We tend to do that too: forget the hard things of the past, and wish for those days back again... the Good Old Days. But those days had their hardships too...

I'm learning to embrace where I am. Right now in life. This 20-year old, junior in college, Me. To be content... despite the bugs, the hard soil, the painful weeds. And know that even if right now I don't see the big picture.... Someone does. And He's into making things beautiful.

Filled

I have had an incredible past few days. I can't quite describe them... except for the fact that I think I have not felt this filled in a long time.

Despite the fact that I've had long hours of training, meetings, hall decorating, and unpacking filling my time, I've also been filled through those experiences. It is such a blessing to work with faculty and staff that really care about us as students... who pour into us. Who pray for us. Who take the time to see how we're doing in the midst of the craziness of Welcome Weekend. I have been filled with laughter, joy, and excitement as I have spent time getting to know my leadership team and bosses.

I am so overjoyed. I feel like I'm just spilling over. I feel like the Grinch after he stole Christmas and gave it back again... when his heart grew three sizes... I feel my heart in me swelling and stretching. It hits me in the applause and cheers of the freshman as they take part in Freshman Follies. It hits me in the flurry of meeting new people: the introductions and small talk.... the kind of stuff I'm not usually comfortable with; the kind of stuff I usually shy away from. It hits me in the broad smiles of Koreans and the chubby smiles of children. I feel myself being pulled and stretched and filled...  It hits me in the quiet of my room... the crinkle of the pages in my Bible, in the truth of Isaiah. It hits me as we stand singing our hearts out.... songs I've learned to sing with my whole heart, lifting my voice up with hundreds of others. It hits me and breaks me and fills me and stops me in my tracks. And keeps me wanting more. More people. More God. More.

New

New is fresh. Freeing. Uplifting.

I've been learning that Change and New are not terrible things. They're necessary things. And if they're going to be in my life (which they are), I might as well embrace them.

Usually I gravitate toward the things in my life that I know are constant. In the sea of change I feel overwhelmed, lost. I try to get a grip on something.... old friends, old routines, my old room. Many of these things aren't even in my life anymore... But if I let myself think about it and get sad about it, I'd be a fool. I'd be missing all the wonderful beauty of New that I've been experiencing these past few days.

The excitement of a new hall leadership team.
New friends, experiences, bonding times
New hall decorations
New room with new furniture
New living arrangements... living with some of my best friends, including my wonderful friend who looks like me :)
New leadership opportunities, a New organization
New Growth.

But even in the midst of all the New, God is constant. He does not change even if everything else does. He's the Solid Rock I can grip onto even in the winds of chaos and change.

I am so excited to see where God will take me this year... but not just me... this whole hall, this whole campus. I am so excited for looking back on this moment and seeing it as the beginning; a catalyst for unforeseen, unprecedented growth!

Last Few Days

Excitement is in the air, though it's mixed with a little bit of anxiety, a little bit of stress, and lots of joy. I'm heading back to school on Tuesday.... which marks the end of my summer. Weird.

The last few days are always bittersweet... whether they're spent at school before coming home, or at home before heading back. In both places there are dear people that draw my heart to that place, and make me miss it when I'm away. I have favorite places at home and at school, and I so look forward to going back and revisiting those spots... I'm looking forward to walking in the park by the lake, watching the sunset. I'm looking forward to (oddly enough) the cozy post office. I'm looking forward to Alpha and eating together with my classmates. I'm looking forward to the lobby where school suddenly seems like a perpetual sleepover. I'm looking forward to seeing my dear roommate after four months. I'm looking forward to seeing my close friends, my leadership team, my new hallmates, and all the familiar faces that make Grace, Grace. I'm excited to work with new people. I'm excited to do more growing, learning, and stretching.

But I will also miss the dear friends here at home... the ones I've lived most of my life with. I will miss tea parties and marathons, and fiddling. I will miss days at the lake, playing in the hose, enjoying summer. I will miss my family... their understanding, love, hugs, and just being a part of them, being with them. I will miss having my own room. I will miss the familiar faces of Chelsea and the beautiful souls of Immanuel Bible Church.

The best thing about these good-byes, though, is the fact that it's not good-bye for good. I do get to come home. And in a way, I have two homes... where I fit... of course in two very different niches. But I fit. And it's nice to know that I'm accepted and loved at home, and my home away from home.

The Beauty of Change

Our old basement carpeting was a rust-colored red. It was a little shaggy, a little patchy from times we needed to tear up some due to various basement leaks. But somehow it was still so much a part of the character of our house that I was rather against getting new carpeting this summer. Not because new carpeting wouldn't be nice, but because I was afraid that that would mean erasing all the memories buried in that rusty, worn carpeting. All the memories of the basement... crawling on our stomachs through pillow forts as little kids, our bi/tri-annual Lord of the Rings marathons, sleepovers, secrets, friends... yes... I do reminisce a fair amount, and it helps if everything stays just as it was back then.

That carpeting had been there for over 30 years... and everyone had been so content to just leave it the way it was. But now it is replaced. The scent of fresh, clean, new carpeting is refreshing... Despite all my original fears of not liking the new stuff, or forgetting the old stuff, or the memories being wiped out... the new carpeting really is better. The memories still cling to my mind. And the change is good.

Normally the above statement would not be something I agree with. It would be something I hate, shun, run from. But just this past summer, past few weeks even, so much has changed. I'm learning to embrace it. Key word: learning. Just like any learning process I have my up days and my down days, but I think the general trend is growth... which always makes me excited.

I'm learning that change is completely natural. If I run from it, I am only creating reasons to complain, be discontent, and grumpy. What's the point of that? So while it's a process, I'm trying to accept change with open arms and face new challenges as they hit me head on.

So what are some of these changes?

The fact that one of my best friends at school is going to South Korea to study abroad. My selfish gut instinct is to not let her go... but I'm realizing that letting her go is the way I can love her most. I need to support her in her decision to go, pray for her as she prepares to head across the world, and rejoice with her as she experiences new things.

I'm going to be a growth group leader (small group leader) in Alpha. I'm incredibly excited... though it's new. It's different from last year's dorm. And (shocker) I'm going to be working with different people. It's time for new joys, new challenges, and new thrills. I'm getting excited!

My friendships are evolving... and though they're going to new places, unexplored places, places that may no longer be within my comfort zone, I need to be willing to go with them. And so I'm embracing the new friendships that are just around the corner. I'm embracing the new-ish friendships that are still so fresh, budding, beautiful. I'm embracing the old friendships that continue to grow in love and respect and support of one another as we head through new times, different walks of life, new decisions. But all of these friendships are capable of growing still more, becoming still more meaningful. And I'm delighting in the fact that even through change, some things are still constant.

I'm leading a new internationally-focused group on Grace College campus called Mosaic. I am SO excited about all the new opportunities, the different people I will be able to work with, and the cultures I will get to interact with. I am by no means comfortable suddenly being in charge of such an endeavor. Of course I'm afraid of failing...  BUT. I know that the weaker I am, the more God will be able to glorify Himself through my simple efforts... and that's encouraging.

The bare floor that peeked out from under the red carpeting looked rather hopeless... forlorn... just plain sad. But if it knew what was coming... there would be nothing to complain about. I feel like I am that bare patch of floor... feeling a little stripped away, a little bare, exposed, vulnerable. But if I may feel a little deserted or uncomfortable with the fact that I don't know everything that's going to happen... I can at least trust that it's for the better :)

The beauty of change rests in the fact that I am not in control. That I'm learning to let go and quit being the control freak I so often am. It takes the pressure off of me. It's not about me to begin with... but somehow I've made it to be ALL about me. I can rest in the knowledge that everything will work out according to God's beautiful plan, and the more I'm willing to give, the more He will use me!

Hymns

Standing on the church pews belting out Amazing Grace, Great is Thy Faithfulness, It is Well With My Soul....

I loved hymns as a little kid because I got to follow along in the big red hymnal. I'd race my brother to see who could find the hymn page first. I liked seeing how many of the words I knew by heart. I liked seeing if the words actually rhymed... and I giggled as we experimented with slant rhyme and near rhyme....

By now I know so many by heart that I rarely think about the words. It's just empty singing. But lately a certain verse in "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" has stopped me in my tracks. Has been my heart's song...

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above

Yes the words are old. Yes the grammar's goofy. But think about it. There is so much truth in this fantastic verse....

What would I do without the grace I have been shown? I have not deserved the Lord's favor. I continually disappoint him. Yet he loves me, takes me back.... He's still faithful; He's still good even when I ditch him for everything else. But somehow over and over I leave this goodness for my own way. Because after all, my heart wanders, and thinks its own way to be better.

Here's my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.