Guilty of obsessing over my reputation.
In school, my friends used the term "Zoe" to refer to anything goody-two-shoes, cautious, or naive. It was also used interchangeably with getting good grades, or being responsible. Despite it being a "boring" reputation, I wanted to make sure that's how people saw me. Solid. Reliable. Dependable. Responsible.
In college, my 13-year reputation was back to year 1. Fresh starts, clean slates. Most people rejoice at the idea of creating a new name for themselves. But me? I was terrified. What if I became a "different person" from the one I had always been? What if someone discovered the true me... hiding under layers of perfectionism and people-pleasing? What if my reputation at Grace ended up being totally different from the one in high school. Going to a Christian school, what if I was no longer seen as "good enough," "insightful," or "above average?"
I didn't truly realize these deep-seated fears until ironically, my senior year of college. Suddenly everything I believed myself to be and the reputation that was four years in the making (with some tweaks from my old high school self) was questioned.
I thought it was questioned by everyone. I thought I was the campus gossip. And I began to shut down. I avoided people, thinking to protect myself from their judgment. I began to judge them for the assumption they were judging me. I was tangled in a mass of obsession. Obsession over myself and how others saw me.
Any time I return to Grace College campus, this obsession returns. It jumps in my throat. I worry and obsess. Whenever I am out and about and run into someone I think might have judged me, that same defensiveness leaps back into me, viciously protecting in case I leave myself open to judgment.
Ironic.
I even avoid certain places because I am afraid of what people might think of me. Snickers behind my back are my worst fear...
But ultimately, this shows a lack of trust. A lack of trust in God to protect my reputation, and to allow it to be what it will. Of course I am to be "above reproach" as the scriptures say, but I also need to let go. In some ways, this obsession over my reputation is an epic form of pride. Really? Everyone has nothing better to do with their time than sit around judging me and my every move? I am not in the center of the world, and most people give little thought to my actions.
This week I was reading through Mark 15, Jesus' crucifixion. I had been pondering this whole reputation obsession as I came to the passage.
Never before have I read Jesus' death through the lens of his reputation. At every moment in the process of his torture and death, his reputation was put to the test. Pilate questioned him about who he was. Jesus remained silent. They mocked him. Yet he remained silent. He hung on the cross, criminals on either side, hurling insults upon him. At any moment he could have silenced them with the truth about who he was. But he chose not to.
His reputation was at stake. Or so it seemed. He had spent three years establishing his public image. And in one day, the Son of God, King of the Jews, I Am, Messiah, Christ, the Resurrection and the Life was put to death. Hanging on the cross, the insults came,
"He saved others; he cannot save himself. Let the Christ, the King of Israel, come down now from the cross that we may see and believe."I'm sure Jesus felt the pull to defend himself. At any moment he could have come down from that bloody tree, smiting all who had taunted. Yet he didn't. He trusted the Father with his reputation.
He trusted that in three days when he emerged from the grave victoriously, the Father would set all things right. His reputation would be upheld, and he and the Father would receive glory.
Ultimately, Jesus traded in his perfect reputation for mine: a sinner. Perfect Jesus, Lamb of God, Holy Son, hanging filthy, bloody, naked, exposed. He hung as the worst criminal. He hung for me.
And in this crazy exchange, I have somehow become holy. Pure. Blameless. Righteous.
How can I possibly obsess over the way people see me when He has called me Righteous? Why should it matter how other creatures see me when the Creator has called me good?
Jesus' reputation was questioned by criminals, yet he did nothing to correct it. He simply loved them enough to stay on the tree, trusting the Father with his reputation.
I serve a God who preserves reputations, even if it means raising the dead, defeating the grave, and exalting the Son! Can't I leave my reputation in His hands?
