I was not ready to leave just yet. I leaned my head against the back of my chair, and sighed. It didn't matter so much that it didn't follow the book closely. I was still relishing the moments of heroic bravery, sacrifice, and courage that each character so keenly possessed.
The Lord of the Rings is possibly my favorite story, and I think it comes down to the epic plot, the triumph over evil, and the infinite bravery of the characters. I value this story and these characters so much, because they have what I do not: bravery.
I am not brave.
I pondered this in passing as I watched the character Alfrid dress as a woman to avoid fighting. He became a laughingstock not only for his people in the movie, but was also offered as comic relief to the gruesome, yet epic, battle scenes (that make up pretty much the whole movie). His cowardice is repulsive, as is his character.
I realized that I am nothing like my most favorite characters because I am terrified of a risk or a challenge, mainly because I'm afraid of failure. I'm terrified of defeat. Sam's loyalty even in the face of death, Frodo's courage to continue on against all odds, Aragorn's fierce fighting for the sake of what is right... Eowyn, Arwen, (and Tauriel) find their place among men, fiercely defending and fighting alongside the men they love.
And me? I'd be making for the caves as fast as I can.
I'm the one afraid of everything. Afraid of the spiders that lurk under the stairs, afraid of the dark, afraid of intruders, and afraid of being alone. I overpack, in case of emergencies. I am terrified of fires and natural disasters, of separation from the people I love.
But most of all I'm afraid of the unknown. I'm afraid of the future, of what is to come. I'm afraid of getting stuck in a rut, yet I'm afraid of getting out.
I give up easily, and very rarely find in me any courage to keep fighting when I lose hope.
As a New Years Resolution junkie, I like to ponder the old year before welcoming the new one. I like to look forward to what is to come, while honing my focus to perhaps a word, an idea, a mantra for the future.
I sat down to think about the focus of 2015.
What is my focus going to be?
As I began reflecting, I came up with some good ones:
thankfulness
joy
being an encourager
But none of them truly gripped me. I felt uninspired, but figured I couldn't go wrong with something like thankfulness.
Then my mom handed me the pot of cabbage and sent me down the basement steps into the cellar under the stairs where I know there are spiders the size of quarters that lurk in the shadows.
I watched Captain America and pondered good versus evil, truth versus lies, courage versus cowardice.
I drove through treacherous conditions, watched cars spin out in front of me, and gripped the steering wheel in terror.
I felt the fierce beating of my heart when I knew I should speak up, yet sealed my lips until my heartbeat found a slower pace once again.
I considered the future and felt lost, uncertain, and fearful...
And then I felt a quiet reminder in the words of Aslan in the Voyage of the Dawn Treader: "Courage, Dear Heart," spoken in the midst of Dark Island where the worst nightmares come alive.
I know I'm not brave. I know I'm rather the opposite. But too often my fear straps me down from experiencing true freedom. My fear often keeps me from doing what I know I should...
I want to be Brave. I want to go forward with a healthy dose of caution (in the words of Mufasa, "being brave doesn't mean you go looking for trouble"), but I want to try new things, expand my horizons, and stand my ground instead of fleeing when I feel the tremors of fear start in my heart. I will wait for the Lord to illumine the path for me, so that I may walk obediently and boldly in the way He has marked out for me.
And so I will start this year at the very last verse of Psalm 27: Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!"
