Guarding my heart

Day 1: He came to me, draped in a dark sweatshirt, hoodie up. His eyes wouldn't meet mine. He slunk past me to his desk, and immediately pulled out the enormous Harry Potter book he had brought with him. Without looking up, he buried himself in it. He drew on himself the entire day, put his feet up on his desk, and scowled at me. If I gave directions to the whole class, he defied me in front of them. When it came time for gym, he sat on his desk to put his shoes on. He couldn't tie them. He awkwardly made loops, the strings slipping out of his grip. He argued and glared, loudly asking when it was time to go home.

Day 2: He showed me his spiked hair. His hood was off, and he flashed a broken smile when I told him I liked his spiked hair. He raised his hand once. His 800 page book sat on his desk. Any spare moment, he snatched it up, set it on his lap, and put his head on his desk. From where I stood, it appeared like he had his head down on his desk, rebellious. But I smirked when I saw that he was reading under there... "rebellious"

When they hear his story, they tell me,
"Guard your heart. He could be gone any day."
"Be careful, don't get too attached."

But it's getting to be too late.

Day 3: Our eyes meet across the room. I smile at him and wish him good morning. He lowers his gaze and mumbles a good morning. Throughout the day, I glance over to where he sits. He is watching me. He cracks a few smiles as I tell my infamous preying mantis story. He raises his hand a few more times. He tells me the seventh continent is Antarctica. He tells me that we need to capitalize the beginning of the sentence. Before lunch, he lets me put my arm around him as I direct him out the door, since he's hanging back, wanting to read more at his desk. Before recess he calls my name. I turn, and he is holding his hand up. "High five." He says it quietly, but expectantly. Our hands meet, and the corner of his mouth turns upward into a smile.

I know they told me to guard my heart. I know they told me to watch myself from giving so much to this child, so I won't be broken when he leaves. But I won't. Because if I guard my heart, if I hold back from loving this child for fear that he will walk out of my life as suddenly as he walked into it, I will not give him what he needs. He needs affirmation. He needs to know that he is valuable, and that others see him, recognize him, and care about him. He needs to know love. 

Day 4: I wrote him a note, telling him about the things he is doing well. He found it in math. For the rest of the lesson he clutched the note. One hand holding the note, the other holding the pencil as he works on the place value assignment. He gave me a few more high fives. After the bell rang, we were heading in the same direction. I asked how he liked it here. He smiled shyly and told me it was "alright here." 

I know he has a long way to go. I expect he will have good days and bad days. I know it's only the first week of school. I know that it's a long road to fifth grade. I know. I know I won't reverse ten years of damage in a week. But I know I can start. I can do my part. 

C.S. Lewis said it best when he said, 

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

I have a choice. To guard my heart, or to love freely. I'm choosing to love, even in the face of the risk of being broken. 

Setbacks through a different lens

It was my last Sunday before moving back to Indiana. I was heading back right after lunch. Despite being overwhelmed at all that I had to do, my family was seated in our usual row at church. I smiled contentedly as I reflected on all the people I know and love in Michigan, and winced at the thought of leaving after having just arrived. I was distracted. But not distracted enough to tune out the sermon about suffering... that either I'm going through it right now, or it's coming my way.

I remember thinking that life has been pretty good. Things have been going my way. In fact, things have felt easy. The summer after my first year of teaching was definitely a huge stress reliever, with lots of time to take a break and rest with family. Other people around me were going through tough times, but me? I was good.

And then I realized that's a little bit of a risky place to be... because it's true. The hard times are coming, then. The fear of the unknown gripped me a bit, and I became a little nervous.

But I had to pack, so I brushed the thought of suffering away, packed up my car, and drove to Indiana with my family.

On our way, we drove through a storm. Not just a distant-lightning-quiet-thunder kind of storm. But a can't-see-where-I'm-going, have-to-pull-over, pelted-with-hail kind of storm. Young trees uprooted, some roads closed as old oaks cracked in half. I was petrified.

But I made it.

My family helped me unpack, and then the significantly lighter, blue minivan pulled out of my driveway and disappeared down the road. I watched them.... then quietly closed the door and felt the hollow pit in my stomach. The feeling of loneliness.

I swallowed my loneliness as I celebrated my reunion with friends. Life felt good. My friend challenged me to start memorizing scripture again. She recommended Psalm 27, the one she was working on. I read through it. It didn't really grab me. Because life was good. But I began to memorize...

"The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear..."

Then things started happening. Not devastating life-changing things. But setbacks, frustrations, and exhaustion.

"The Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?"

I sprained my knee while jogging. (Or maybe it was when I stepped off my porch...) I am embarrassed. Embarrassed for the way I sprained it. Embarrassed to be limping about. Embarrassed to need people to do things for me. The doctor told me to rest it for a week and a half. The week and a half before school starts.

"When evildoers assail me, to eat up my flesh, my adversaries and foes, it is they who will stumble and fall."

I started feeling very anxious about this next year of teaching, perhaps because of my knee and feeling like I have to go slow or hurt it more. Perhaps because I have seven more kids than last year. Suddenly, filled with doubt if I can do it. If I'm cut out for this.

"Though an army (of students!) encamp against me, my heart shall not fear;"

And then yesterday, pulling out of the parking lot, a lady backed into my car. My car isn't totaled. We were going 3 mph. But it does need to be fixed... repairs and the insurance and all the things I'm scared of are wrapped into one big bundle of stress, simply a few days before school starts.

"though war arise against me, yet I will be confident"

Right after the accident, as I was flaring up in rage, I felt the Lord speak to me, "May she know Me better because she interacted with you today," and as I slowly calmed down, "when evildoers assail me, to eat up my flesh (or my money)... my heart shall not fear." Scripture was the first thing in my heart, on my mind, whispered in the stifling heat of my car as I waited for the police to file the report.

My life through the lens of Psalm 27 is suddenly manageable. It's not fun. But I know where my strength comes from.

And I find my heart yearning more and more for the comfort and protection of my Lord:
"One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord, and to inquire in his temple."  

In His presence, there is JOY, despite what life brings:

"He will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; He will conceal me under the cover of His tent; He will lift me high upon a rock. And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me, and I will offer in His tent sacrifices with shouts of joy. I will sing and make melody to the Lord."

That's as far as I've gotten in my memorizing, but here's to verse 7 and beyond!