It was my last Sunday before moving back to Indiana. I was heading back right after lunch. Despite being overwhelmed at all that I had to do, my family was seated in our usual row at church. I smiled contentedly as I reflected on all the people I know and love in Michigan, and winced at the thought of leaving after having just arrived. I was distracted. But not distracted enough to tune out the sermon about suffering... that either I'm going through it right now, or it's coming my way.
I remember thinking that life has been pretty good. Things have been going my way. In fact, things have felt easy. The summer after my first year of teaching was definitely a huge stress reliever, with lots of time to take a break and rest with family. Other people around me were going through tough times, but me? I was good.
And then I realized that's a little bit of a risky place to be... because it's true. The hard times are coming, then. The fear of the unknown gripped me a bit, and I became a little nervous.
But I had to pack, so I brushed the thought of suffering away, packed up my car, and drove to Indiana with my family.
On our way, we drove through a storm. Not just a distant-lightning-quiet-thunder kind of storm. But a can't-see-where-I'm-going, have-to-pull-over, pelted-with-hail kind of storm. Young trees uprooted, some roads closed as old oaks cracked in half. I was petrified.
But I made it.
My family helped me unpack, and then the significantly lighter, blue minivan pulled out of my driveway and disappeared down the road. I watched them.... then quietly closed the door and felt the hollow pit in my stomach. The feeling of loneliness.
I swallowed my loneliness as I celebrated my reunion with friends. Life felt good. My friend challenged me to start memorizing scripture again. She recommended Psalm 27, the one she was working on. I read through it. It didn't really grab me. Because life was good. But I began to memorize...
"The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear..."
Then things started happening. Not devastating life-changing things. But setbacks, frustrations, and exhaustion.
"The Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?"
I sprained my knee while jogging. (Or maybe it was when I stepped off my porch...) I am embarrassed. Embarrassed for the way I sprained it. Embarrassed to be limping about. Embarrassed to need people to do things for me. The doctor told me to rest it for a week and a half. The week and a half before school starts.
"When evildoers assail me, to eat up my flesh, my adversaries and foes, it is they who will stumble and fall."
I started feeling very anxious about this next year of teaching, perhaps because of my knee and feeling like I have to go slow or hurt it more. Perhaps because I have seven more kids than last year. Suddenly, filled with doubt if I can do it. If I'm cut out for this.
"Though an army (of students!) encamp against me, my heart shall not fear;"
And then yesterday, pulling out of the parking lot, a lady backed into my car. My car isn't totaled. We were going 3 mph. But it does need to be fixed... repairs and the insurance and all the things I'm scared of are wrapped into one big bundle of stress, simply a few days before school starts.
"though war arise against me, yet I will be confident"
Right after the accident, as I was flaring up in rage, I felt the Lord speak to me, "May she know Me better because she interacted with you today," and as I slowly calmed down, "when evildoers assail me, to eat up my flesh (or my money)... my heart shall not fear." Scripture was the first thing in my heart, on my mind, whispered in the stifling heat of my car as I waited for the police to file the report.
My life through the lens of Psalm 27 is suddenly manageable. It's not fun. But I know where my strength comes from.
And I find my heart yearning more and more for the comfort and protection of my Lord:
"One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord, and to inquire in his temple."
In His presence, there is JOY, despite what life brings:
"He will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; He will conceal me under the cover of His tent; He will lift me high upon a rock. And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me, and I will offer in His tent sacrifices with shouts of joy. I will sing and make melody to the Lord."
That's as far as I've gotten in my memorizing, but here's to verse 7 and beyond!
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