Who am I?

Today the sound of my own thoughts is deafening. Like the stormy waves we saw at Point Pelee this winter, they crash, one after the other, into my sanity. They drown out logic, emotions, hope. Until I'm simply living moment by moment, always waiting for the next crash to interrupt.

While most "inspirational" posters recommend living in the moment, enjoying life second by second... this can frequently become a selfish way to live. Or an unwise way to live. If moment by moment I choose to do what I think is right for me, I stop caring for others. Because nine times out of ten, I will choose to live for myself.

It is this realization that has me agitated. My senior year is slowly fading... It's second semester already. I'm leaving for Hungary in a month and a half. Then two weeks back here. Then graduation. And then a big, fat question mark. ?

So today I tried my best to listen in church. I tried my best to greet those sitting beside me. I tried my best to keep it together. But crash. after crash. after crash. Interrupted my thoughts.

I planned on going to my sunday school class after church to have some time to see people I don't get to see throughout the week. But I realized that suddenly I was on the verge of tears. crash.

An understanding look from my new apartmentmate, a reassuring touch on the shoulder, and I sprinted out the door. I contemplated a walk through the tiny snowflakes drifting down onto the already white ground. But I knew I needed Truth, and I was uncertain how much my mind had to offer at this point.

I got home, snuggled down, new Bible (well not-so-new anymore) in hand... already its pages are crinkled, underlined, and smell more like lotion than a new book...

I tried to journal. Nothing came out. I tried to talk things out (yes. I talk outloud when I'm home alone). I tried to get to the bottom of my anxiety, fear, and frustration.

Finally I just wrote "I'm mad." and then I listed circumstance after circumstance of days built up. So often we talk about how "being mad" is no way to live. So I stuff it. Until it comes out in crash. after crash. after crash. Stopping any real thinking from happening. Finally I laid everything out. And I traced back my incessant crashs to a lack of control. too much uncertainty. frustration at not knowing.

Then the quiet words Who am I? Etched themselves across my mind. So I began listing.

Alpha and the Omega. Beginning and End.
Eternal.
Almighty.
Wise.
Prince of Peace.
All-knowing.
Father.
LOVE.

After each one, I stopped, considering what this had to do with my life. And realized. My life isn't unknown. It's just unknown to me. It's uncertain to me. But it is by no means unknown.

And then the words, Perfect love casts out fear.  I know the One who is perfect love. And the more I reflect on His love, the more my fear, my control-freak, my anger subsides. Because I know He is infinitely loving and infinitely wise. He knows what's best... and I can trust Him.

So instead of being mad, frustrated, overwhelmed, and upset... I choose to declare His steadfast love in the morning and His faithfulness by night (Psalm 92:2).