Remembering Thankfulness

These weeks are hard. I am sapped of strength... physically (lack of sleep will do that to you), emotionally, and spiritually. I find myself going through the motions, living minute to minute, forgetting what I need for the next hour. The only thing I am aware of is the next thing... Thinking about a few days down the road, or even a week from now is exhausting.

There's something about lack of sleep, menacing projects, and the "dripping faucet" daily assignments that manage to slowly suck the joy of life out of me. I suppose this always happens toward the end of the session, but this time around it's been worse than ever.

I must confess: my attitude has been far from good. I have been more ashamed about my attitude in the past few weeks than I have been in the past year. I know better, and yet I still take every chance I get to grumble and gripe.

I wake up every morning telling myself today will be better. And then I get overwhelmed and resort right back to my complaining self. It's easy to complain when there are 30 other people seemingly walking the exact same steps as me... same classes, same responsibilities. Complaining and ranting has become common ground.

I think back to last semester and how convicted I was about my attitude of complaining. I remember keeping a list of thanks... jotting down little things throughout the day that made me smile or laugh: the seagull that randomly stopped to pick at something in the road during early morning rush hour, a kindergartener asking if I am 100, and a clean kitchen.

As this session has progressed, I have laid aside my list of thanks. Literally. The little, bright orange spiral notebook of thanks got buried under my piles of teacher texts, notebooks, and classroom handouts. Prayer was a hurried gasp before the next stressful moment. Good conversations were always about the classroom. Chapel got cut to once a week.

Thirsty.

I decided I can't go on like this... without joy life is impossible. I pulled out the little, bright orange spiral notebook and began to write. I began to pray. I began to look for answers.

This past week has been one of the most refreshing. I am overwhelmed by the goodness around me, overwhelmed by grace. Overwhelmed by the depth of human friendship and understanding.

As I have started to work on my attitude, remembering to be thankful for even the little things has broadened my perspective. It has filled me with compassion. It has given me fresh energy even when the homework heaps.

So. If you catch me complaining. Stop me. Let our common ground be thankfulness.