Incompetence

I'm exhausted. In every sense of the word.

There's something about trying to play the part of a student and a teacher that just wipes me out (I wonder what it could be...). Every day feels like a marathon, fighting to push through to the end, fighting to do good work. In the past this usually works for me. I'm known to be a good student...

But what happens when I simply can't give 100% to everything? When things start tumbling out of my grasp because I simply can't keep up the balancing act? Five hours of sleep, rushing around finishing (and forgetting) homework assignments that really matter, working, heading up a campus organization that is exploding in interest and involvement... all while trying to learn what it means to be a teacher to a class of sixth grade students... it's absolutely overwhelming. Sometimes I long for the carefree days of sixth grade when a "hard" night of homework was a math worksheet and a reading assignment.

My views about education are being flipped upside down, the things I thought I knew are all unknowns. I feel like after three years of hard work and education about how to educate I know so much... yet know so little. Terror grips me at the responsibility of being in charge of students' education. People tell me I'll be a great teacher. But how do they know? I'm seeing so much more of what that means. My respect for great teachers is growing by the day, and my understanding of mediocre teachers is swelling. Teaching is hard. It is not something you do simply because you can't do anything else.

Even though I've been a good student, I'm realizing that being a good teacher is not a given. In fact, I am doubting my ability in everything. I am at a point of complete humility... pushed to my breaking point. But I have decided this is what I'm doing. There's no going back.

It's not just because I've spent three years of college studying to become a teacher. It's because I have fallen in love with teaching. With the kids. With the lives I have the opportunity to shape. I love helping others learn, to see passions develop, and to keep the fire of education alive.

In the rush of each day... in the exhaustion of each moment it's easy to forget the big picture. It's so easy to lose sight of the higher goal. It's easy to get buried in the details.

I am incompetent... but I am working hard... I still face failure, the need for reflection, and grace every day.

That's why each night I climb into bed whispering "Your grace is sufficient for me. Your power is made perfect in weakness..." and I wake up every morning murmuring "Your grace is enough for today."