Opportunities to Say Yes

So many times things come up, and I have the opportunity to participate or refrain. I'm a homebody... so often I am comfortable where I am... whether it be in my little black chair that makes noise with every move, or where I am currently in life. I don't like moving beyond and saying yes to things that are uncertain, to things that take risk, to things that might hurt a little. But usually, I will grudgingly say yes to look good.

Of course it looks really great and kind and servant-hearted of me to go off and rake leaves for some people who live in a trailer park up the road. Of course it seems really great of me to offer my room to a visitor. Of course it seems good to offer to help clean someone's room for them when they don't have the time. But too often when I examine my heart motivation, it's all wrong. It's about me. It's about how people will see me. I want people to look at me and say "wow. she's so sweet. so kind. so thoughtful. so humble. so focused on others." How ironic that this very desire in me stems from the selfish desire to be noticed. To get a pat on the back. To get "brownie points" in the eyes of others. When I discover this attitude in me, my stomach twists in knots. Who am I to try to use opportunities of serving others to elevate myself?

This ran through my head as the sound of crunchy leaves under my rake filled my ears, the squeals of kids jumping in piles of soggy, old leaves bouncing off of the small houses in the trailer park. The cars slowing down to see what 70 college students had to do with a trailer park's leaves. The gentle chatter and singing of students as they bagged leaves, picked up trash, and piled them in a rusted out pick-up.

The other thought was about my own unwillingness to serve. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, the last thing I want to do is find a way to make a difference for someone. I rationalize with myself: too much homework, I need time to myself, it's the weekend, I've been so busy all week, it's cold out, but that would take too much time, but what if it was embarrassing, but what if they didn't appreciate my efforts, but what if they didn't like me, but what if it's unsafe.... they whirl in my head like those fall leaves twirling off of the trees. Once I write down these rationalizations, I realize they are all about me. I whine and argue and complain a little longer until I reluctantly muster up the courage to say yes. I don't have to say yes, but honestly, I am only missing out on an opportunity to be blessed abundantly. And that's the most ridiculous part about it: even when I say yes reluctantly.... God still chooses to bless bratty me above and beyond what I ever could have imagined.

This year has been full of opportunities to turn down God's blessings. He will offer me an opportunity... though sometimes it's disguised as the beat-up, unwanted gift at a White Elephant Party. I whine and complain and ask Him what on earth I would ever do with such a useless thing. And right when I'm about to say no and shove it as far away from myself as possible, I feel a tug on my heart. What if you said yes? Ah, but that would be impossible. Quite impossible. You see... the circumstances........... what if you said yes? And suddenly the answer is clear. This year more than ever, I'm learning the truth behind Child, I want to bless you. But you have to trust me. You have to let me. You have to say yes. The floodgates have opened, and I stand here in awe as the blessings rain down.