Hope is Alive

Selfishness and pride.
I have the sin issues of a toddler.

I want to control situations and have meltdowns when things don't go the way I want them to.

"NO" is my favorite word to the people I love the most.

I act as though the world spins around me... around my desires, wants, and hopes.

I have the sin issues of a toddler: selfishness and pride.

At least as an adult I manage to hide my sins a bit better. I put on my "holy" face and go to church. Or put on my "missionary face" and go to work.

But stick me on a long staircase with a broom, bring a magnifying glass to my heart, and all the same ugliness is there.

Put me back on social media and inspect my thoughts... the ugliness is there.

Put me in a car with a slow driver in front of me and listen to my words...  it's there.

Selfishness and pride.

Among the many things marriage has taught me, one of my least favorite lessons has been that I can't keep pretending to be perfect. It's hard to admit imperfections, to be vulnerable and willing to be confronted, and to reveal that those toddler issues are still there. I still balk at being called out, just like a two year old who is shown that the world doesn't in fact revolve around her. And why do I hate it? Because I'm prideful.

And then:

I had closed myself into the bathroom having a full-out pity party on Good Friday, planning my angry stomp around the house. I stuck my nose out ready for said angry stomp and my husband turns up uninvited. He meets me, stops me halfway, and embraces me in a disarming hug.

"I love you... but..."

I tried to wiggle free as I quickly completed his sentence in my mind:

--but you're being awful. I know.
--but you need to change. I know.
--but you need to stop treating me this way. I know.

He hugged me tighter and spoke, 
"God loves you more than I ever can. That's why Jesus came. He died for you."

There is now therefore no condemnation for those who are in Christ. 

It is finished.

And he points me to Jesus... whom I always forget.  

It's hard to confess sin... to family, and to Jesus. And yet, if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 

Friday was dark and heavy. Because of my sin. 

But the darker the Friday, the brighter the Sunday.  

Sunday was glorious and radiant. Because of His righteousness.

Hope is alive, because He is alive.