My Language Crutch

In September I joined the gospel choir at my church. It has been exhausting and wonderful all at once. Since I have never sung in an official choir, it's been a bit of a learning curve for me. Then there's the whole part about having to sing and clap at the same time (something I'm still working on).

There were several reasons why I thought joining would be a good idea. The first was that I miss having music as part of my life. I've missed being part of a music-making entity, and I figured the choir was the most accessible. I also wanted to build relationships within the church I'm attending, since it's rather large. The choir itself is rather large too: 150-200 people! However, I've been slowly finding my niche in the alto section, though I'm still shy.

We have spent many rehearsals practicing our English, which always makes me feel a bit awkward. When we start a rehearsal chanting, "There-is-a-name-far-above-all-others" for a good five minutes because we're practicing transitioning our tongues the "r" in "far" to the "a" in "above," I try not to giggle. There are just some things I take for granted as an English speaker, and being able to say "far above" back to back is one of them.

But I have also noticed that I use English as a crutch. Whenever I sit next to a Hungarian, I find myself immediately trying to work in the fact that I "just moved here" or "I've never lived in Hungary before" or "I teach at the American Christian school in Diosd" in the first five minutes of conversation. Or perhaps after a brief introduction, when someone comments on my name, I feel the need to immediately explain why they may find it rare or strange, "Well actually, I'm American..."

After catching myself doing this with the fourth or fifth new person, I began to wonder why I do it.

And I realized several insecurities.

The first is that I am insecure in my ability to form Hungarian friendships. This is why I immediately drop the fact that I'm American in order to add an "interest" factor that would perhaps cause people to be interested in being friends with me.

The second is that I am entirely insecure about my ability to communicate in Hungarian. I feel like the speed at which I speak, my 6th grade vocabulary, and my inability to make jokes and puns all strap me down in communicating.

Third, I find that I have a hard time understanding hurried conversations in between songs. Hungarians seem to speak quieter, mumble more, and make jokes that always go over my head. Smile and nod is my go-to.

This directly affects my pride. I've always prided myself in being a good communicator. I don't like the fact that I feel trapped by language. And the last thing I want is for someone I just met to think that I can't communicate clearly, effectively, or humorously.

My accent doesn't give me away, I just sound like I can't put my thoughts together. And it's embarrassing.

I rely on English, and on my "American" identity, to explain away my insecurities. My entire life I have been emphasizing my "multi-cultural," Hungarian identity, and yet when I'm here, I keep leaning on my American identity.

It wasn't until I tossed my English crutch aside that some friendships started forming. I have people that sit next to me, who chat with me in between breaks, and who enjoy a (poorly executed) joke here and there.

Our concerts are this weekend, and I'm so excited to be able to sing (in both of my heart languages), dance and clap (occasionally on the beat), and celebrate the birth of the Savior through gospel music!