At the very top

Pro tip: when moving to another country, make sure you buy waterproof mascara.

It wasn't until the moment I climbed into bed exhausted after a 14+ hour journey to Hungary that the tangle of indifference was completely detangled and the waterworks started...

I was overwhelmed with feelings of sadness at all that I left behind. It still hadn't sunk in even as I hugged my parents good-bye, climbed on the airplane, and landed in Budapest, embraced by my Hungarian family.

I was also overwhelmed with the deep joy of being in a place where I am 100% sure I am called to. A place where I know a new part of my story will be written.

But there in that moment, nestled under sheets that smelled like the familiar-new of everything about this place, everything I had decided was the logical next step, seemed absurd and risky and terrifying. It's that moment when you realize that each step you climbed to reach the top of a towering water slide was logical, until you're standing at the top and realize that the only way forward is to slide down into the terror and exhilaration that it holds.

I spent last Saturday at the top of the water slide peering down in terror and wonder at how I had gotten this far... peering this way and that, trying to talk myself into being okay. It was my first day in the city, at the market, out and about. Fear strangled words from my mouth, and they died in my throat. I speak this language, but I was too scared to try. I was too scared of mumbling nonsense and getting funny looks. I was too scared to buy a loaf of bread from the market. I was frozen. I tried purchasing my public transport pass from a machine but kept getting stressed about the long line behind me. I gave up three times and went to the back of the line before finally succeeding.

As I trudged up the worn cobblestone steps to the top of the hill, my footsteps beat in rhythm to a truth that was emerging from the noise and terror in my heart. Per-fect-love drives-out-fear. I was disappointed that after several hours in the hot city, I had only accomplished one thing on my to-do list. Per-fect-love drives-out-fear.

It's so obvious, yet I seem to have to learn this lesson a thousand times. I need Jesus. I need His presence. In all my pity-partying and fear-partying I had failed to go to the one who is Perfect Love. I had failed to seek His face. The Lord is so gracious. I just so happened to be reading 2 Chronicles (highly recommend it), and was utterly overwhelmed with account after account of kings who sought the Lord and He gave them rest. "...we have sought the Lord our God. We have sought Him, and he has given us peace on every side." -2 Chron. 14:7.

I am learning that God is accessible. That it doesn't matter that I'm six hours ahead of so many people I love, and that sometimes they're asleep when I'm well into my day. That my God is always accessible. And my greatest sin is that I haven't taken full advantage of the access He has given to me. I try to handle things by myself.

But now, in this familiar-new, my dependence on Him has increased exponentially. I can truly say I need Him every hour. And I am so thankful for an extra hour on both ends of my day to spend time with Him, in the breeze from the Metro, or the quiet muffled train to pray and lay my requests before my God.

I have scaled the height of my life's biggest water slide, I have felt the adrenaline pumping and the terror constricting my throat, but I know the Lord goes with me, and before me. This last week has been me letting go, pushing off, and feeling the freedom and joy of embracing this life. The fear is gone, and only Perfect Love remains. I am in awe of what the Lord has done and continues to do.

A thousand thanks to all those of you praying for me. Your prayers are palpable.