A forgetful introvert

I am an introvert.

This always takes people slightly by surprise. As I have written before, I don't have any qualms about speaking in front of a large group of people, sharing my thoughts, or volunteering to do something. I am friendly, lively, and outgoing, quick to speak (and slow to listen... not something I'm necessarily proud of.)

Large parties or get-togethers, however, are my nightmare. That awkward cocktail hour, mingling, meet and greet makes me want to hide in the bathroom until it's time for the event to start. Bonfires with people I don't know well are a perfect time to stuff my face with marshmallows to give me something to do instead of stare blankly at everyone else who seems to be having a wonderful time (sadly I like the caught-on-fire-burned-to-a-crisp marshmallows, so the actual cooking does not distract me for too long...)

As I have processed before, living away from my family and my dearest friends has led to lots of feelings of loneliness. When I used to treasure being alone, eager to spend time in devotions, doing crafts, writing letters, writing in general, and reading, I now dread it. I stay at school late. When I leave I always invite someone over (or invite myself over). I fill my life with people to keep the loneliness away. It seems like it would work. But the minute they leave, a flood of loneliness washes over me again.

I have been thinking through this for some time, and I am realizing that in my desperate avoidance of anything solitary, I have robbed myself of rest, joy, and the most precious times with my Savior. I realized that I fill my life with noise. Whether it be blasting some music, always having someone around, or inventing texts to send out just so that I can be communicating with someone. But I have traded the best company, the quiet talks with my Lord, for the company of others. While of course friendship is deeply valuable and beautiful, I have been taking almost no time away from people.

I am a forgetful introvert. I forget that I am energized after spending long hours alone... thinking and writing deeply about what's on my heart, while wrapped in a cozy blanket, wearing thick socks, and drinking tea.

After one night when my usual fill-my-life-with-people plans fell through, I decided to take the hint and spend time alone. I turned off my phone. I turned off my music. I pondered, I prayed, I journaled, I made decorations to remind me of truth. And I wrote about the things that truly energize me and give me life.

Friends and family most certainly have a huge part to play in my life. Without them I would be lost in a solitary cage of misery. But for me, it is healthy to spend time away. To face the loneliness with truth gathered from my moments away from everyone else.