40 Days of Service

If you know me beyond the surface, you probably know that I really dislike serving people. I love when other people choose to serve me... but when it comes to repaying the favor, I definitely shirk my responsibilities. I've talked about this before, and yet my heart is still unwilling. So unwilling to serve.

It's this ugliness in me that has prompted me to focus on service this lenten season. (Side note: I don't do lent because I feel the need to be legalistic. I do it in order to prepare my heart for Easter... to train discipline in myself... to learn to value things that I often ignore in the busyness of all the other 325 days of the year.) So. Here are my findings after 40 days of focus on service, attempting to go out of my way to serve people at least once a day, the more disruptive of my own life the better:

• I often rationalized with myself, telling myself that service was "taking someone's plate up to the alpha conveyor belt." After attempting to use this trick over four times I was irritated with my laziness and lack of creativity in designing very lame service projects for myself

• The more disruptive the project was and the more time it took up from my own life, the worse my attitude was about it... until it was fully completed... and then I was filled with joy and couldn't wait to serve again.

• Serving with others was always infinitely more enjoyable than serving by myself.

• It's one thing to serve and be seen, it's another entirely different thing to serve without recognition. I was frequently overwhelmed by my selfish need to be recognized by others when it came to service.

• As the days progressed, my eyes were a lot more open to need. I began to realize needs right in front of me that normally I brushed right by, saying that I didn't have time. While it's easy for blindness and oblivion to take over once again, hopefully this lesson will stay learned and will not need to be learned again.

• I realized how much I expected others to do for me, and (sadly) how surprised they were when I did something for them in return. That hurt.

• I found myself continually wrestling with my attitude and facade I put up for others to view. I love to put up a front that says "I have a humble heart. I do what no one else wants to do and I do it willingly." and underneath, I'm clearly making a scene shouting "look at me! recognize me! look how good I am!"

• The true test of the heart of service is when no one is looking, when no one will know, to what extent will I serve? The truth hurts. 

I am by no means an expert on service. In fact if anything, these 40 days have showed me my terrible shortcomings. They have humbled me and have shocked me as I have explored the depths of my heart and have come up repulsed by the selfishness and pride that live in it.

I am thankful for Easter, and for knowing that my Savior died and rose again to set me free from pride, selfishness, and laziness! It's through Him alone that I have freedom.