Ah, yes. The close of a year. This is possibly my favorite time of year. It's a time that forces everyone to suddenly slow, reflect, think, ponder. And for someone who loves to do so, it is a welcome halt to the bustle of life.
My favorite way of reflecting is to look back... ponder the things that happened, the mistakes I made, the lessons I learned, the new things, the surprising things, the painful things, the beautiful things. I write them down so that I remember. But usually if they make the list, they're things I won't easily forget.
Only after I have looked back am I able to move forward, to think about the future: my hopes, dreams, goals, and possible resolutions.
Usually it's hard to sum up the year in one word, but this year it came easier. A year of wrestling. A year of inconsistency. Of fickleness. They aren't pretty words. They aren't what I wish. They aren't the words I had imagined as I stood in front of the TV watching the ball drop, breathing in the refreshment of 2011. But yet, they linger... and weigh me down. And then suddenly.... a new word. A new word replaces all the rest. PEACE. That is what this year has really been about. It has been about my constant search for peace. After all, the feeling of wrestling is a sense of restlessness... of war. turmoil. Peace is not turbulent. It is not inconsistent. It is steadfast. And until I learn to surrender to the Prince of Peace, this turbulence will continue. But slowly I am learning. And here, as the last days of December ebb away, peace comes. I never really summoned it. I had forgotten I had even lost it. But a reminder... and suddenly I realize that that is what I have been longing for... And though it would sneak its way in between rounds of the wrestling match, I would always forget. Or push it away... because I was so intent on winning. But I was wrestling One who is much stronger. Who I will never beat. And as long as I continue wrestling, I will be exhausted. Fickle. Inconsistent. Only when I surrender will I have peace.
The words I instinctively gave to this year melt away in light of the new word peace. Because thankfully, this year isn't about me. It isn't about my shortcomings... or my victories. It is about my great God who gracefully uses my weaknesses to turn them into strengths. His power is made perfect in weakness.
Usually I make lots of resolutions. Perhaps I don't call them that, because that may be too formal. Perhaps I call them "goals," "hopes," "aims" or whatever else. But usually they end in disappointment... As an idealist/perfectionist when I see my big dreams vanish before my eyes by the beginning of the third week in January (if I get that far), it becomes too painful to keep hoping, resolving, and being disappointed. I've come to terms with the fact that 2012 won't be a year without mistakes. Without huge failures. Without disappointments. It won't be the year where I kick all my bad habits. Memorize a ton of scripture. Become perfect. It sure would be nice... but let's be realistic. 2012 doesn't have any more magic in it than 2011 did.
I'm not saying I expect nothing from 2012. Absolutely not.
I hope to live this year deliberately. With meaning... living each day with purpose. I hope that this year I will grow. That I will become more loving. More willing to serve others. More humble. More like my Savior.
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